2 years?

So I guess it's every two years.  I am not so sad.  I have been to the deepest parts of my soul and back again.  I have, finally? come to a place of moderate acceptance.  He got married to his world of warcraft girlfriend.

ok, let me start from the beginning.

After we legally divorced, the EX decided to quit his wonderful job with people who genuinely cared about him, and wanted him to succeed.  He thought this meant he didn't have to pay us anything, but that's a whole other issue and I'm over it.  He moved to Arizona to live with his mother.  She has always hated me and thought that he had never done anything wrong and could never do anything wrong. WELL, she actually called me while he was staying with her, not exactly sure why, maybe she was trying to apologise?  She did admit that he was a totally different person, which I had been trying to tell everyone all along, but ok.  Well she kicked him out, huge surprise.  Then he lived with a series of relatives, ending up with his half-brother who lives about an hour from us.  During this whole time he made no attempt to contact the kids, or see them.  While he was with his brother, he still didn't see the kids, except for about 45mins at Christmas when he came to my parents' house.  Then he all of a sudden meets this woman on World of Warcraft (you have no idea how hard it was for me to capitalize that), and he's moving to Texas to live with her.  Just so you know we're nowhere near Texas, I'm sure it's lovely.  As far as I, and child support recovery services know he hasn't had a job since living there, but is still collecting from the VA.  He has filed for bankruptcy, not sure what he owed money on, a car maybe.  He has resumed paying a little bit (he took us to court to have that recalculated based on the fact that he's not working).  And finally he married her this spring at some point, he didn't even tell the children exactly when.  A few weeks ago they came for a weekend, TWO WHOLE DAYS!  He seems clean, if not completely changed from the man I married 14 years ago.  She's a little weird, but that's cool, I am too.  The whole situation sent me into a bit of a tailspin.

I started school in May.  I've finally decided what I want to be when I grow up.  I'm going to be a real life nurse.  Then I'm going to be a nurse practitioner.  I'm going to be like a doctor or something.  I love being in school.  I am too hard on myself and I get too anxious but I really do like it.  The structure is good, working a weird schedule job was not working for me.  I also need to do something that will actually let me be independent and support us.  I'm not going to find a perfect person.  I don't need to find a perfect person, or any person at all.  I'm good.  I'm lonely, but good.  I genuinely love who I am, and I haven't been able to say that before.

This post reads like a white trash facebook feed, sorry, my life took a turn.  I'm still righting the ship.  It's taking longer than I want it to.  I'm impatient, I'm in mourning, I'm optimistic, I'm scared.  The kids continue to grow.  The baby isn't a baby anymore.  The little boy is becoming a man.  The little girlie is figuring out how to stand in her newfound genius.  more on them later.  this one was about me
xo

changes

I've been divorced for three years.  I've been in the depths of hell for five.  I don't like that my children are going to grow up with this in their history.  My youngest daughter was born in the middle of it all.  I signed divorce papers with three month old waiting in the car.

When my ex husband whom I still care deeply for came home, he was a different person.  He was manipulative and mean.  He started using inhalants and any kind of pill he could get his hands on.  I was afraid for my childrens' safety.  The day I left he threw me across our dining room.  My favorite place in our home had become my worst nightmare.

the amazing afghan.

The story of the amazing afghan started when I learned to crochet.  I make like a zillion scarves, and stuffed things for the kids.  Then A (the hubs) said that he was feeling left out and could I make him a blanket? I think there were puppy eyes and pouts.  He's such a quiet guy that I knew that this was serious.  After interrogation...it had to be the perfect "blanket," I found that he wanted a giant afghan... I was terrified, but determined, I got like 7 skeins of cheapish yarn...being my first big thing, I didn't want to spend a ton.  I proceeded to crochet.  I did stripes of a whole skein of one color then the other, all in double crochets, nothing fancy.  It took a year, yeppers a whole year.

the story comes in when we found out he was going to deploy for a second time.  I had just started the monster afghan and put it down for three months.  I couldn't crochet, my escape, and think about him and how our lives were going to be changed...again.  It made me too sad.  When I'm making something for someone I like to sort of meditate or pray about them when I'm making it, hoping to actually impart my love for the person in their finished thing.  It was just to hard to detach and get this thing done.

Sometime later he sits down to watch something stupid and I'm making something else.  He looks at me all sad, and asks why I'm not working on "THE BLANKET,"  I cry.  I say that it is like the odyssey and I'm afraid that if i finish it He will be declared dead and I will have to live a life I hate.  I'm a totally irrational superstitious person, and a bit of a freak!  he laughed at me, the nice kind where he thinks I'm so cute with my girly self.  Also he wants me to be done before he leaves, so he can take it with him.  Blech, so I get hooking and finish the stupid blanket, he doesn't die, and all is good.  Except, when he got back, I can't even look at that stupid thing without crying.

Stupid blanket, in the Iraq.

who i am...

Just a reminder of who I am and where I'm coming from:

I'm a mom.  I am young.  I am married to a soldier.  He was deployed.  This is our odyssey.

We have two beautiful, mischief makers who light our lives.  I love Jesus. The End.



Edit: it is now 2015, holy crackers.  I'm now a single mom of three rays of sunshine.  I'm figuring out the whole Jesus thing, more on that later. xo

The End

This time of year is always very hard for me.  The finality of another year being over always makes me sad.  It is kind of fitting that my side of the family always has our big holiday celebration on new years.  It helps me ignore the end of the year!  I get busy gettting ready for company (at mom's house) and after Christmas sales and forget that yet another year has passed.  When I do start to take stock of what the year has meant, I start to feel sad.  I think about all of the things I didn't get done (like that ever illusive degree), and the people that we've lost, and the time lost.  It is silly to think like this though, I should be thinking instead about:  the accomplishments that my children have made (a has learned to read! and write!) (and @ is talking up a storm).  Just getting all of us through another year is a point for me, being a full time mom is way more challenging than I ever thought it would be.  I also need to think about all of the time that I spent, doing great things, dancing, and singing, and playing, and smiling, and spreading love.  I have volunteered a ton this year and loved almost every second of it, and I just plain forget about it...it is on the schedual so I have to do it, but I wouldnt have to and I did it anyway.  I need to focus on the fact that my kids have decent clothes to wear everyday, and not that I didn't do as much laundry as I should have.  I'm learning to see things more half full, and less almost gone.  I love my life, and my family.  Happy NEW YEAR!